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kelzadiddle: (Caution! Zombies Ahead! Roadsign)
Wow. It's been almost a month and I haven't written. Sorry for the inactivity, but things have been a little difficult for me since about a week or so after Irene's funeral. The funeral went fine, by the way; I held it together as best as I could for Jason. He was quite upset, as you can imagine but everything we focused on was very positive. We just celebrated her life and the wonderful woman she was. And the deacon was quite impressed with the eulogy; said it was the best one he'd ever seen. Maria and Tony (Irene's husband, Maria's dad) kept thanking me but to be honest I just jazzed it up, varied sentence lengths and structures a bit. It really came from Maria. I was just the editor.

Other than that, I've just been living day to day, trying to find the motivation to do stuff... chiefly, Holly's project. She needs the theatre stuff ASAP now for Facebook, apparently, so I've been working on that. And to be honest I still haven't got a good deal of stuff done. I feel terrible about it.

It's hard putting pen to paper when I've been struck down with depression. All I want to do most days is lie in bed and sleep as though I'm temporarily dead. When I'm awake it's so hard to find the energy to even smile. Laughing is a chore. And I feel this constant, deep, heavy ache in my heart and my bones. I don't know hoe else to describe it.

The past couple of nights I've just cried my eyes out, but it hasn't really helped me much. It used to; I used to feel better after a good cry. But this past week I could sob uncontrollably for hours until I have no tears left, and it's still there: the ache. The heaviness. It sucks.

I just don't know what to do right now. It feels like I'm going absolutely nowhere in life right now. I don't have a job, 75% of my money is going to people and things other than myself, nobody wants to employ me, I'm not in university (though I desperately want to go back - just not to Queen's), and even though Jason and I are engaged, it feels like we're going nowhere as well. I feel like we're never going to get married or get our own place together or even try to have kids. I want to, so badly, but it feels like he doesn't. He doesn't talk about it or anything. Our families and friends sometimes ask if we're going to yet and he always says no. He doesn't realise how much it hurts me to hear him say that.

The weird thing is, I know deep down that he does want to do all of these things. Otherwise, why would he have bothered proposing? He's not one of those people who would do it if he wasn't absolutely sure. I just wish sometimes he hadn't proposed so soon, so I wouldn't have to wait as long and we wouldn't have people asking us when the wedding is all the frigging time. I'm sick of being reminded that I'm stuck in a massive rut right now. And when he tells me that he wants to marry me and all the rest I have such a hard time believing him, because my self-esteem has been reduced to nothing and I've started believing all these horrible negative thoughts that are going round in my head.

I want to get better so, so badly. I hate having all of these negative, self-loathing thoughts and all of these doubts about myself and about Jason. I hate myself for doubting him because a rational part of me knows that I shouldn't. If he was going out every night clubbing and coming back with other girls' knickers on his head it would be a different story, but he hasn't actually given me any reason to doubt him.

Ultimately, I'm doubting him because I hate myself right now and can't see any reason that he wouldn't hate me too.

I just want to get better and be my normal, happy, stupid dork self again. And I want some chocolate too.

Once this art project is done for Holly, I'm focusing 100% of my creative energy back onto my novel. I want to see that wordy bastard done in first draft form. I want it to scream as I edit the fuck out of it. If I'm starting to sound a little bit crazy, well, I guess I am. I suspect I might start to feel better once I've done with this artwork.

I mean, I'll probably doodle from time to time if I feel like it, but I want to write my book in peace. No more massive, confusing art projects for other people after this. Not for a long time. As terrible as it sounds, I hate feeling obligated to work for other people, especially when I'm struggling with so much in my personal life already. It can take the joy out of the craft for me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't struggling with crippling self-doubt and depression... but as I am now, no more large-scale art projects for a while. I want time to express myself as I want, recover, and then maybe I'll feel up to something big. Who knows.

While this project for Holly has been going on, though, I have managed to get some stuff done. Planning stuff, mainly; I've written a whole heap of extra detail into my character profiles for The Great Couch Happening of '69 so that when the time comes to rewrite I'll have a better grasp of who each character is and how and why they function. I've also started work on some presentations on writing fiction. I'm hoping to do some on linguistics and literature as well, kind of a pre-emptive move if I ever do achieve my dream of being a teacher. People say 'you can't teach writing' but to be honest I think that's a load of nonsense. Of course we're all born with imagination, and therefore the ability to tell a story... but it's a learned skill to be able to translate your imagination into words as accurately and effectively as possible. Things that can be learned can most certainly be taught. So yes, I think these powerpoints will be worthwhile.

I'm considering writing an entry soon, something along the lines of 'If I was a teacher...'. I dunno, I think it would be a nice, positive thing to do; might make me feel like I have something to work towards. Or maybe just a post about all the things I want to achieve in life, including being a teacher.

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