A Hypothetical Scene - Not Bloody But Blood-Related

[kelzadiddle]

INT. WESLEY METHODIST CHURCH - AFTERNOON

KELZA sits with JASON, holding his left hand in her right, her own left arm bare on the table next to her. A NURSE presses cotton wool against her arm where blood has recently been taken. A stern DOCTOR holds a blood sample, eyeing it with disapproval.

DOCTOR I'm afraid we won't be able to use this blood, Miss Pilkington.

KELZA (Confused, mildly annoyed) Why not? You aren't about to tell me I went through that hell for nothing!

NURSE Calm down, unless you want to faint!

DOCTOR (Calmly) We've taken the time to analyse your donation and the findings are - well, shall we say... interesting.

KELZA Oh yes?

DOCTOR The haemoglobin in your blood has been replaced almost entirely by caffeine...

KELZA

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INT. WESLEY METHODIST CHURCH - AFTERNOON <br> <br> KELZA sits with JASON, holding his left hand in her right, her own left arm bare on the table next to her. A NURSE presses cotton wool against her arm where blood has recently been taken. A stern DOCTOR holds a blood sample, eyeing it with disapproval. <br> <br> <center>DOCTOR</CENTER> <center>I'm afraid we won't be able to use this blood, Miss Pilkington. <br> <br> <center>KELZA</center> <center>(Confused, mildly annoyed)</center> Why not? You aren't about to tell me I went through that hell for nothing! <br> <br> <center>NURSE</center> Calm down, unless you want to faint! <br> <br> <center>DOCTOR</center> <center>(Calmly)</center> We've taken the time to analyse your donation and the findings are - well, shall we say... interesting. <br> <br> <center>KELZA</center> Oh yes? <br> <br> <lj-cut text="And the good doctor continued..."><center>DOCTOR</center> The haemoglobin in your blood has been replaced almost entirely by caffeine... <br> <br> <center>KELZA</center> <center(Shrugging)</center> Caffeine works better. <br> <br> <center>DOCTOR</center> ... your platelets have taken to growing long hair and wearing flared jeans... <br> <br> <center>KELZA</center> How very stylish! <br> <br> <center>DOCTOR</center> ... and your white blood cells are wearing berets and reciting beat poetry.</center> <br> <br> A pause while KELZA mulls this over. A SECOND NURSE places a cup of tea and a chocolate digestive on the table next to her. <br> <br> <center><center>KELZA</center> <center>(Chuffed)</center> I think I might have the coolest blood ever! <br> <br> <center>DOCTOR</center> Au contrare! What you have is the most unusable blood known to man! How it's keeping you alive baffles me. You should have died a humiliating and painful death years ago! <br> <br> <center>KELZA</center> <center>(Offended)</center> Is that so? <br> <br> <center>DOCTOR</center> Indeed it is. <br> <br> <center>KELZA</center> <center>(Jumping to her feet)</center> I shan't stand for this!</center> <br> <br> KELZA falls over.