... I may just revert to watching birds instead. Only the bastards still haven't finished off the bread I put out for them so I could steal their souls photograph them.

Today, my Grand Plan for the Watching of the Calories hit a massive stumbling block. It's Wednesday. The night of the Newton High Families' Group. And it was the Christmas Dinner.

This meant free food in abundance. And let's face it, it's hard to say no when you're constantly breathing the fumes of turkey, gravy and sprouts. When the food is unveiled and the cry goes out, 'come and get it!', it is apocalyptically difficult to keep ye olde arse in its seat.

Mind you, it could have been worse. I could have had a buggering big portion of chips for my dinner at work again. I had a 120-cal Cornish Pasty instead. And a triple chocolate chip muffin...

Christmas this year is a pain. Everyone's putting food in my face, nobody's telling me what they want (except one person) so I've only bought one person's presents this year. We still haven't got our decorations up... If you were to pull me up in the street and say 'you know, Kelza, it's Christmas?' I'd probably give you a very odd look and say, in genuine shock, 'really?'.

I don't know what to get for people. It's maddening. Especially since half of those people have already bought for me. I beg and I plead for answers as to what they want - even just a tiny hint - but everyone's just smiling and saying 'oh it doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts!'.

Fine! I'm going to buy everybody used underpants from the charity shop, that would normally just get chucked, and distribute them amongst said people! "Here you go, friends, it's the thought that counts!"

Zurie has been smart and saved herself by giving me a very specific present idea. So no used bloomers for her.

Rant over. How is life, in the realms of Kelza? Pretty good. I feel like I've been blogging non-stop lately about my war on my diet or my new voluntary job, so I should probably talk about something else. Something nice, and non-ranty.

( In which Kelza goes on another frothing rant, only to calm down with talk of notepads and writing later. )