I'm feeling really homesick today. I thought that moving back to Ireland for three years would remove that horrible feeling of 'otherness' I had in England but here it's even worse. I still don't feel right; like the one piece that just won't fit into the jigsaw no matter where you stick it. I don't feel like I fit in here, I didn't feel like I fitted in there... it's frustrating because where, then, am I supposed to go?

More than once these past few weeks I've actually been tempted to stuff the whole university thing and just go back to England - to Jason, I suppose, because he's the only person in whose presence I feel like I have a place. I'm missing him so bad right now and I just want to break down and cry... but I can't because I just know someone would catch me sobbing like a nutter and then a whole scene would be made.

What the hell sort of a person must I be to feel out of place almost anywhere I go, and with almost anyone I hang out with? I suppose it's been worse over here because at least in England I had people to hang out with, things to do that got me out of the house, places to go. Here, what do I have? A bunch of people at university I've spoken to but can't remember their faces or names. Granville Road and Great Victoria Street in Belfast; the extent of my ventures out and about.

As for my Irish family... I'm actually blown away by how detached I really am from them. I don't have anything in common with any of them. To them, I'm English. Just a face with a vague, slightly odd personality behind it.

I have no nationality over here, no friends, no place, distant family... I just have myself, and that's small comfort. Me, my books, my music and the Internet. But that's superficial compared to what I really want.

I don't even know what I want. Argh!

P.S. Sorry for the whiny post. Like I said, I'm feeling really homesick today. I just feel horrible.