This is what Holly does to me. IT'S CRIMINAL.

Under the cut lies two silly, unedited... things... spawned from a simple e-mail to Holly. In which Kelza tries to get Holly's main character done for squatting and Bella Swan comes to her senses. WARNING: May contain words.

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*RING, RING*
PERSON: Hello, this is St. Helens Police Station?
KELZA: Hey, yeah, I'd like to report a squatter please?
PERSON: Alright, could you tell me where they are?
KELZA: Um... hold on, I may have to e-mail Holly...

[Sound of clacking keys. Pause]

KELZA: Wait for it...

[Pause. SFX: ping!]

KELZA: A-ha (and not of the eighties' boyband variety)! She's replied!
PERSON: Can you tell me where the squatter is, please?
KELZA: (reading) It appears... she still hasn't decided yet.
PERSON: (baffled) Pardon?
KELZA: You must understand that this isn't a hoax. Holly hasn't decided yet where the squatter is.
PERSON: ...
KELZA: It tends to happen, when you're dealing with fictional people.

[PERSON hangs up]

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Your character is in luck. Due to the police's unfortunate lack of understanding regarding fictional people, he won't be arrested today. Or any day, for that matter. Actually, this gives me a thought. What if Lazuli gets horribly killed and wants to press charges? What if Stan gets run over by a runaway Rubik's Cube? Because the police are so ignorant to fictional plight, these crimes will go unheeded!

And let's not forget Bella Swan. I'm positive that half of the creepy, stalkerish stuff that Edward does to her is illegal. That includes the sparkling.

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BELLA: Officer, I've come to my senses and realised what a crap character I am! He sparkled at me!
OFFICER: Hold on while I arrest the bastard!

[He arrests EDWARD]

EDWARD: [In a silly Transylvanian accent] But I love you, Bella! Even though I stalked and abused you - I loved you at first sight! Is that not realistic? I'll do whatever you want! I'll take regular showers! I'll read Wuthering Heights! Bellaaaaaaa!
BELLA: I'll see you in court!
EDWARD: Can I at least have a bottle of your perfume to comfort me on the dark nights in prison? The dark... lonely... nights...

[Later. BELLA is seeing a PSYCHIATRIST]

PSYCH: Now, Miss Swan, can you show us on the doll precisely where he sparkled at you?

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You know what? I think I'll stop before this becomes a stage play of supreme silliness. [KELZA stops. Exit, stage right]