I'm going to stop wearing my beret to work. Today whilst on my lunch break I was heading to Wilkinson's to squander cash on GLORIOUS JUNK FOOD to boost my blood sugar levels a wee bit and, surprise surprise, the canvassers were out in force, braving the rain. This time it was the Red Cross. One of them was at the top end of Hardshaw Street, near Barclay's, standing smack-bang in the middle of the street. I didn't realise he was there until the last minute.

"Lady in the beret!" he called. "Sorry about that, I spotted you from a mile away. Not many people wear berets!"

Being a polite member of society who is interested in doing charity work but not particularly donating as I'm skint, I entertained him for a few minutes, told him I was on JSA and am therefore stupidly poor.

My rules so far for avoiding canvassers about town:

1. Do not use your phone. It might seem a good idea to look distracted but some of them have taken to preying on distracted-looking people, using the 'are you texting/phoning me?' line, which incidentally is a very odd line to break the ice with a total stranger. Why the heck would I be texting someone I don't even know?
2. Do not wear anything unusual, eccentric or outlandish. It identifies you as a) a studenty hipster type who's always looking to act for the greater good, you know, 'cause that's what cultured people in their early twenties do and b) provides something easy for their homing device to lock on to. Wear cheap-looking clothes in dull, barely noticeable colours, dress in the latest trends that everyone seems to be following, or dress up like an axe murderer. Alternatively, wear nothing at all!
3. Walk quickly, look like you have somewhere you need to be - make doctor's appointments if it helps you to walk with purpose.
4. Just avoid your town's high street. And any other street, for that matter. Become a recluse and they'll never get you!

But sometimes this just isn't enough, and some gold-hearted ninja accosts you from nowhere to persuade you to part with the money you wish you could give. If this happens to you, here are some effective techniques for getting out of the situation.

1. Explode.

I'd give you more, but I'm one of those stupid people who stops to hear them out. Perhaps in this situation you should just keep walking, and walk far, far away.

Also, two terms it would be beneficial to know:

'Chugged' (verb.) Short for 'charity mugged', a term for being pulled up in the street against your will by a charity canvasser. "Bloody hell, I got chugged in town on my lunch break again! I'm going to roll in manure before I go to work tomorrow to avoid being chugged again."

'Chang banged' (verb.) Short for 'charity gang-banged', this is not a racial slur despite how questionable it may sound. This is a term for being hounded by several charity canvassers at once, or several in swift succession. "The manure didn't work! I got absolutely chang banged when I was out for lunch! They just kept coming!" (that's what she said - Ed.)

I can't claim all the credit for the first of these two terms as my boyfriend came up with it and I could swear my editor just referred to the canvassers as 'chuggers'. But the 'how to avoid' and 'escape' tips are definitely mine. So Jason can't accuse me of plagiarism now!